You may have noticed from my last post that the querying/submitting process is making me a little anxious. For the past few weeks I’ve been this little ball of neuroses bouncing around my house (because I’ve been sick and haven’t been able to leave). Thing is, the news on the querying process is all positive. I’m really proud of my story and the responses it is getting. But there’s something so incredibly draining about putting oneself out there to be judged and rejected.
Worse than all that is, it’s been affecting my writing. Suddenly every time I even think about Possible Shiny New Project (PSNP) my mind is flooded with the fear and worry that has been dogging me since I first hit ‘send’. This happens with all my projects, to some extent. The market, the rules, always intrude. But this time it’s worse, because I’m also actively querying. It’s like I have two brains – the business brain and the creative brain. I only have enough blood to fuel one at a time, and I don’t seem to have much control over which takes the lead.
I know the only way to move forward on PSNP is to let go of all this stuff. Let go of even the self-imposed stuff like my Summer Goals. Let go of every inkling that this could sell one day. The only way I can write again is if I remember how to find the fun.
That’s why I write – because I love it. I write because it entertains me, because I enjoy the process of creating a story over every other endeavour I’ve ever tried. Even reading. It’s easy to forget how much I love it. It’s easy to start thinking my motivation is money, career and all of that stuff. But that can’t be my motivation – only my goal.
Thanks for all the gentle nudges, guys. I know I tend to obsess about things – that whole two brain thing again.
But tomorrow, and for the rest of December, I’m going to follow one goal: To find the fun. Who knows what I’ll end up writing. Short stories. Flash fiction. Haiku. Fanfiction. Whatever, as long as I am enjoying it. Probably none of these will end in a novel, or a successful submission, or a career. But it will have saved me in a much more profound manner.
I’m going to learn to love writing again.