Restless

Musings on Resolution

I’m never sure how much to share about my writing/querying journey on here. I don’t want to appear unprofessional, but at the same time one of my favorite things to do is read through the archives of author blogs from before they were published, to read about the struggles and the journey, the doubts and the eventual success.

Very briefly, I started querying Restless last year and very quickly stopped after receiving some professional feedback that made me rethink the entire novel. I just finished a HUGE rewrite. It took me six months. Among the many things changed, the climax and resolution are quite different than they were before. I won’t tell you exactly what changed, but one particular thread did not end as happily as it did in the first draft, and it started me thinking about resolution.

As well as that, I played a game a few weekends back called Heavy Rain. It’s a fairly unique game in that there are numerous possible endings. You play as four different characters as they attempt to save a young boy from a serial killer, and according to your split-second decisions made at high-pressure moments, not all of them may last to the end. In fact, in some endings, the killer is not found and the boy is not saved.

In the ending I got, the boy was saved, the killer died, but the protagonist also died just before the end of the game. It all hinged on one of those split-second decisions that I didn’t realize was so important at the time. I didn’t get the perfect ending, and I was surprised by how much that devastated me. I don’t get that sort of reaction on reading a novel that ends on a bittersweet note. I think it’s about responsibility — in real life, and in this game, you’re always thinking about what could have been. What could I have done differently? Is it my fault? Why didn’t I…?

Interestingly, the next weekend I went back and replayed that pivotal moment. I got the perfect ending, the protagonist lived and it felt… hollow. It didn’t feel right. On reflection, that first ending really was the perfect ending. There were consequences to my/the character’s choices. The ending was tragic, but it was also hopeful. It was bittersweet, not sickly sweet.

I  think as readers and as consumers of entertainment, we want to see our lives reflected. Even when we’re reading a book about supernatural creatures, we still want it to ring true in an emotional sense. I may have felt differently ten years ago, but I don’t want the characters to get everything they want. I want them to lose sometimes, and I want them to learn from their loss and grow.

I’ve made a very particular choice with the ending of my novel that not all readers are going to like. It might take some tinkering to make it work, but I’m pretty convinced it’s the right choice, for my book and for my characters. A few years ago I would have written it differently, but these days what I’m seeking is the emotional truth. I’m looking for hard decisions and endings that aren’t perfect, but feel real.

Maybe that will work against me, but I’m hoping my readers (even if those readers are just friends and family) will come to the same realization I did while playing Heavy Rain. Sometimes the most satisfying ending isn’t the one where everything ends up happily. Sometimes the most satisfying ending is about losing, and growing, and learning to move on.

I love this photo of a storm rolling into Death Valley. Oh, wasn't that an exciting drive.

I love this photo of a storm rolling into Death Valley. Oh, wasn’t that an exciting drive.

 

Categories: Life, Restless, Revision, Writing tools | 2 Comments

Flotsam and Jetsam

It’s been a little while since I posted last. In that time I’ve wallowed in a new story idea and I’ve completed another draft of Restless, which is now off with crit partners. This means I’ve got a bit of time on my hands, and it’s time to start making decisions about the Sea Story. I have my characters, my plot and my setting, but there is still one element I haven’t quite figured out. To me, it’s the most important part: Atmosphere.

All writers face the question, “Where do you get your ideas?” It’s a hard question to answer, because as far as I can tell, ideas are the flotsam and jetsam of the mind. They are the waste product after all your experiences, all the things you see and hear each day, have been sorted and cataloged in your brain. They are the mulch of our lives.

There are so many ways I could answer that question, but there is one answer I think would confuse people. I get my ideas from video games.

Not the core ideas, mind you. Not the plot or character or setting. But the most important part: Atmosphere.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I can’t start a story until I have the atmosphere down. The few times I’ve tried, I’ve lost interest in the story pretty quick. But honestly, I never knew this about myself until I discovered video games, or one video game in particular.

Now, I know I won’t be able to convince you to play the game itself, but here’s a sample of the music:

True, I could probably just listen to some music, but there is something so immersive about video games. In a way it’s like my post on wallowing. For a few hours, or a few days, you can get lost in this other world.

The game above was how I landed on the atmosphere for Restless. The video game I will be playing this weekend, and which I hope will help me nail down the atmosphere for the Sea Story, is called Heavy Rain. I think you can hear why:

And once I have my atmosphere, there will be nothing left but… to write!

I’m excited and nervous and I’m trying not to think of how long it will take me to write another book. A book is such a huge commitment. You really need to be sure. You have to know it’s the story you can live with for the next year or more. And the great thing? I’m certain. I’ve been unsure with other stories,  but not this one. THIS is the book I’m meant to write.

I just hope I can do it well.

P.S. For the curious among you, Flotsam and Jetsam are different kinds of shipwreck. I think that’s kind of apt, don’t you?

Categories: Music, Planning, Restless, Sea Story, Writing Progress | Leave a comment

Adventures At Sea

So, big first week of 2013. I’m determined to make it a great one, and it has been so far.

Things I’ve done:

Colour: Lagoona Teal

Colour: Lagoona Teal

Painted my bookshelves. I’ve been mulling over what shade of blue/green to pick for months, and I thin I landed on a good one. That’s the first bookshelf, partially packed. The bottom shelf you can see there is going to be my “To be read” shelf, and one of my 2013 goals will be to read everything on that shelf. I’m starting with Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb. The second bookshelf is still in the garage because it had a little accident in the wind and now must be repaired. Boo.

Sailboat!

Sailboat!

Beth in her natural environment.

Beth in her natural environment.

I went sailing! It was a dolphin cruise in Port Stephens (I feel so very lucky to live so close to such a beautiful place). I’m never happier than when I’m by the water, and so, as you can imagine, I was pretty dang happy. Also, research. Kinda. The Husband and I have decided that when we are rich and famous we will buy a big catamaran and we will live in it sometimes, traveling the world. We will also have jetskis, because jetskis are awesome.

And this happened:

End Draft 1 (or 7 if you're counting that way)

End Draft 1 (or 7 if you’re counting that way)

It’s a good 25k shorter than the original version, which is good because I expect it to grow another 10k in revisions, and I reckon 65k is easier to revise than 90k. So how much longer before I resubmit? A couple of months, give or take. I can’t wait. The sea story beckons…

This afternoon I had a look at the model ship I’m going to be making. And I cried. I decided to build a model ship so I would have another form of artistic expression other than writing, something to turn to when the writing isn’t going well. But… It’s going to be tough. Really tough. First job is to carve the hull out of a vaguely boat-shaped hunk of wood. I’ve never done anything like this and frankly I’m terrified.

Reminds me of revisions, actually.

So tell me, what did you do in your first week of 2013? Things going well so far? I hope so, but no despairing if they aren’t, okay? This guy says it all:

Categories: Life, Restless, Revision | 4 Comments

How Baby Writers Become Big Writers

I’m a firm believer that the best way to grow as a writer, other than writing itself, is by living life. For one thing, how can we hope to adequately write about love and loss if we haven’t experienced it ourselves? But also, the world is full of stories. Every person is a storyteller. To learn to tell a good story, you need to immerse yourself in stories of all kinds. This is one of the reasons I don’t understand writers who say they don’t watch television or movies. My medium is always the written word, but I appreciate stories in all forms. I think watching good television can do just as much for your storytelling skills as reading a book.

There have been three things in recent years that have fundamentally changed who I am as a writer. I mean, there have been many more than three, but there are three I want to talk about.

The first is travel.

My first research trip

A few years ago, 2010 I think, I decided I was enough of a ‘real’ writer to go on a research trip. I wanted to write something creepy, so I picked the creepiest place I could think of to visit, my grandparent’s old place in Wiseman’s Ferry. I gathered my husband and a couple of friends and looked at a map. The Sydney Blue Mountains were kind of (not really) on the way and I’d never been so we decided to head there first.

The Blue Mountains took my breath away. The natural beauty is astounding, and the history, combined with the fog that blankets the place every night, gave the area a tremendous amount of atmosphere and mystery.

The next day we drove on to Wiseman’s Ferry, but it was Katoomba and the Blue Mountains that really stole my heart.

It was this trip that helped me understand one of my biggest drives as a writer and a reader. I’m not satisfied with a story unless it has a firm sense of place. Atmosphere and setting are often the first thing I know about my stories, and until I have that element, I can’t start. To me, setting is so much apart of the tone of the novel. I mean, think of Stephen King’s stories. The forests and towns and people of Maine are fundamental to all his novels. All my favorite stories have a tremendous sense of place.

Until I traveled to the Blue Mountains I really didn’t understand how much setting could affect my stories. Every trip I’ve taken since then has been about gathering ideas, getting a feel for places, understanding what makes places stand out. And now when I start a story I don’t have to waste time wondering why it just doesn’t feel right. I know it all comes down to setting.

The second thing that changed me as a writer is all because of my lovely husband, who introduced me to the world of video games.

My favorite game

The way I feel about video games is pretty similar to how I feel about TV. A story is a story and it’s all helpful to your development as a storyteller. But video games are different in that you are just that much more immersed in the world of the story. Watching TV is a passive activity, and yes, so is reading, but I think as writers we should strive for that video game-like immersion for the reader.

Laini Taylor referred to it as the fictional dream in reference to Stephanie Perkin’s Anna and the French Kiss (which I just read and HOLY MOLY).

I know I haven’t mastered it yet, but video games have helped me understand that feeling a little more. And the more I play games, watch TV and read books, the more I see what works and doesn’t work for me as a consumer of stories.

Lastly, I’ve spoken of my love of Veronica Mars. A lot. Well, that show taught me something that has fundamentally affected my writing.

Girl detective!

There’s this oft-told tale about the first season of Veronica Mars. All the way along, the writers were setting the scene for Veronica and her ex-boyfriend Duncan to get back together. But then Logan Echolls came along. Logan is not a nice guy. He has serious problems and he’s incredibly unlikeable. Veronica and Logan had serious chemistry.

What’s a writer to do? Follow the chemistry, of course.

When you’ve written something big it can be really hard to see past the words on the page. Even when you know something isn’t working, it’s so darn hard to press delete. But you need to follow the chemistry. Take an honest look at what you’ve written, get rid of what isn’t working and figure out how to make what DOES work just that much more awesome.

With this novel in particular, I’ve had to make some hard decisions. I’ve gotten rid of characters I loved because they didn’t work in the story (this would be an example of killing your darlings). I’m currently changing from dual perspective to single. In fact, the main character and concept I originally devised on that first trip to the Blue Mountains are completely different now.

Interestingly enough, the two things that have stayed the same are the setting and tone.

Veronica Mars taught me to follow the chemistry.

So, I’d love to know, what has televisions, games, books or living taught you about your writing?

 

 

Categories: Restless, Revision, Travel, Writing tools | 2 Comments

The Voices In My Head

I have an interesting profession. Other than my colleagues, I’ve never met anyone who works at a private detective agency. I like seeing the surprised looks on people’s faces when I tell them what I do. It’s a lot more interesting than saying I work as a receptionist, which is what my last job was.

But, in the day to day, what I do for a living feels normal. Mundane even. It takes an odd case or a conversation with a stranger to make me pause and think “Wait. My job is actually kind of cool.” It’s moments like these that help me get through the other parts of my job: the boring bits and the stressful bits.

I think that’s why taking breaks is so important. Whether it’s taking a few days off work to get away for a bit, or taking a break from writing or querying, or whatever it is you do to work towards your dream.

I’ve spoken before about how hard it is for me to write at the same time as I submit. I think part of it is how many voices are there when you’re submitting: Agents, friends, critique partners, well-wishers, competition judges. I find it really difficult, after listening to those voices all day while I’m querying, to then sit down and listen to my own internal voice. It’s hard for me to block everything else out, the voices telling me I’m not good enough, or that my last book was fantastic, and what is this piece of rubbish? to just write.

Sometimes this makes me want to give up on the whole trying to get published thing. What I love about writing is the day to day, the putting words down on paper. I find the other stuff hard to deal with. But I have this dream of one day being able to quit that day job to write all day every day, and in order to get there, I need an agent, I need an editor and I need readers. All of these things a good things, GREAT things. I’d love to have people reading what I write one day. But it means I need to find a way to balance both the outside voices and my inner voices. To both write and submit. And I’ve come up with a few strategies.

The first is the Just For Fun project. I started writing it about a month ago, and I’m a third of the way through. I think I’ll finish before November. The great thing about a JFF project is there are no other voices. I’m not writing it with the goal of submission, so I can do whatever I want. It doesn’t matter if it’s horrible, it doesn’t matter if it’s utterly unsellable. It’s mine and mine alone. When I queried my first book I didn’t write a word for months, I was so paralyzed with doubt. Not a single word. The fact that I’ve written 20k in a month is a miracle.

The second thing is taking breaks. Querying is an intensive process, at least how I’ve been doing it. Sometimes I find myself getting so wrapped up in queries and competitions and blog posts that I start worrying about silly things like trends and putting sentences together if I ever have to talk to someone on the phone. Sometimes I need to take a step back, block out all the voices and learn to breathe properly again.

It’s like with my day job. Taking a break from the madness helps me to see the cool bits about querying. The full requests and the friendships made with other writers. The fact that I’ve written a book that some people think is GOOD. These are pretty awesome things, but when I’m neck-deep in queries I can lose sight of this. I can get lost in the stressful stuff and the exhausting stuff and the stuff that makes me want to curl up under my bed and never come out.

I’m starting to see that it’s all about balance. A balance of work and play. A balance of creativity and business. I used to say these things just don’t go together, but I think maybe they can. You just have to find your own strategies to make it happen.

So, to sum up, when you start hearing too many voices in your head, it’s time to take a step back. Or possibly see a mental health professional.

A place with no voices. Or at least less than are currently in my head.

Categories: NY Story, Restless, Writing Life, Writing Progress | 3 Comments

On Achieving Goals and Meeting Milestones

Since our dating days, one of Michael and my favourite things to do is go out for coffee or for a drive and talk about The Future. We’re goal oriented people. Since those early days there have been a few things we’ve been working towards: Going on a road trip around the US/Canada. Getting a puppy. Buying a house.

The road trip happened last year (and was amazing!). We welcomed a Labrador puppy into our family six weeks ago. On Friday we received pre-approval for a home loan.

We’re moving into a very odd period of our lives. In fact, since getting back from our Amazing Overseas Adventure the husband and I have been feeling a little out of sorts. All our hard work is coming to fruition. We’re having all the big adventures we always dreamed of. Now what?

We enjoy the fruits of our labour, right? Believe me, we are.Image

Image

But… is that enough? It’s not that we’re not happy, not satisfied with what we have. It’s that it’s not just about the end product. For Michael and I, a large part of the satisfaction comes from working towards the goal. So we’ve made new goals.

It’s a lot like novel writing. Recently I finished polishing a novel. It’s the best thing I’ve ever written. I’ve worked so, so hard. I suppose the larger goal would be publication, but I’ve written a novel that I’m proud of, and whatever happens next, this is more than enough for me. It’s SUCH an amazing feeling.

Image

My celebration: Buying book related items. The canvas for my character. The R for Restless.

But despite the satisfaction that comes from achieving my goal, soon enough I’ll want to be writing again. Soon enough I’ll long for the happiness that comes from the day-to-day. That comes from the work.

Some might ask “When does it stop?” For me, it never stops, and that’s the larger joy.

It’s not about not being satisfied with the goals I have achieved. It’s about being satisfied with the process. It’s about the work. It’s always about the work.

Categories: Life, Planning, Puppy, Restless, Writing Life | 2 Comments

Revision Tools

So… Other than a spell-check, my revisions are totally, completely, utterly done! My manuscript is all shiny and ready for prime time :) You may not hear much from me on Restless for awhile, as I like to keep this part of the process on the down-low, but I thought you might be interested in hearing about how Restless went from Crappy First Draft to Shiny Shiny Manuscript.

When facing a huge project I like to break things down into smaller steps. Otherwise I become Overwhelmed and Crazy. I might become Overwhelmed and Crazy anyway, but it tends not to last as long when I have a plan. Generally the master plan includes three major drafts: The first, messy draft. The second, clean-up draft, which is then sent to critique partners. And lastly, a revision acting on those critiques. With Restless I had two other drafts beside those.

But for every draft, the same tools are required: A jackhammer, a scalpel and a feather duster.

The Tools of Revision

Jackhammer

The jackhammer is best used in the first few rounds of revision. It’s used for the big picture revisions: Adding or removing characters, changing back-story or character motivations, overhauling plot, changing tense or point of view. BIG stuff. Changes that have ramifications throughout the whole novel. Critique partners are EXCELLENT at pointing out parts of your novel that need a good jackhammering. In my opinion, if you’re not using a jackhammer in your revisions, you’re not digging deep enough. There are always ways you can make your story better, from the roots up.

Scalpel

Scalpel changes are the most difficult, in my opinion. You need focus while using a scalpel. Precision. Finesse. A steady hand. A scalpel is used to perfect the  twists and turns of plot, the details that make your characters seem like real people. A scalpel is used to establish continuity and remove logic problems. It’s possible the reason I find scalpel revisions so difficult is that maintaining an internal logic in my stories is the most challenging part of writing a novel for me, but I’d argue it’s one of the most important. Without scalpel revisions, no one will ever be able to suspend disbelief and lose themselves in your story. They will be constantly distracted by all the wrong details. So, scalpel well, my friends.

Feather duster

This is the easy part, and it’s not particularly important until your last round/s of revision. A feather duster is used for things like spelling, grammar, pretty sentences, strong metaphors. The language stuff I love so much. I know a lot of people who get caught up in dusting their novels far too early. What’s the point of checking your grammar when you’re just about to rip your story apart with a jackhammer? No, you need to leave feather dusting until the end. But, oh, does it feel rewarding when you are finally able to add that final polish.

So, there you have it. The tools of revision. They’re all important and they all contribute to make yours a book worth reading.

In non-book news, last weekend we took Puppy to the beach for the first time, and oh did she have a ball! I may do a full post on our beach trips, but here’s a photo to whet your appetite:

At the beach! :)

Categories: Restless, Revision, Writing tools | 1 Comment

Wild Weather; Wild Mind

I love wild weather. Love, love, love. I love feeling small in a great universe. I love the howl of the wind, the lashing of rain, the deep, booming shouts of thunder. I love curling up with my loved ones and listening as nature rages around us. I even love blackouts. I used to try and convince Mum to pretend we were in a blackout so we could eat dinner by candlelight. There’s something about storms that bring people together.

This week was a together week. We knew the storm was coming and we were all talking about it, observing the darkening clouds, planning safe routes home from work, finding the candles in case the world went dark. Where we were, up on a hill, kilometers from the ocean, the storm didn’t hit too badly. But the ocean? Even days later, it continues to boil.

Newcastle Ocean Baths – Photo from the NSW SES

For comparison, this is what it looked like on our wedding day, four years ago:

Ocean baths 2008

On Sunday I achieved my goal of finishing my last big draft by the end of my leave. Finishing a draft is a great moment. There’s a lot of emotion involved, good and bad. You’re so grateful to be finished, but so utterly exhausted, like all those words were energy in a battery, and you’re completely drained.

In the past I’ve thought this feeling of exhaustion means I should take a break from writing. In a way it does — I should take a break from something so intense and huge as a novel draft. But I’m one of those people who just isn’t happy without a story in her head, a pen in her hand. So what do I do when I’m tired?

Well, this week I plucked a new notebook from my pile (my friends and family know me so well I now have a piled of empty notebooks to choose from) and set about brainstorming. Not for one particular story. Not for any purpose. Just because it was fun to let my mind flit from thing to thing, to trawl the great wild ocean of my mind for flotsam and jetsam and happy little ideas.

This week, while the weather was wild, I let my mind be wild, too. I didn’t tie it down to anything, just let it slosh around a bit. It was incredibly, marvelously fun. Who knows if any of those stories will ever turn into novels. Who knows if they will ever turn into anything other than a notebook of fun. But writing for the sake of writing has been incredibly energizing. I feel full again. And by Saturday I will be ready to jump back into Restless for a final spit and polish.

And because I can’t resist sharing another Mika photo, here’s our little family, all together:

Smith Family (self)Portrait :)

 

Categories: Life, Puppy, Restless, Writing Life | 1 Comment

Thoughts on Parenting

So I’ve had an incredibly busy couple of weeks. When I decided to get a puppy I knew it would be hard work. That’s why I took off three weeks to help settle Mika into our household. But that first week? It was harder than I could have imagined. Not because Mika is a naughty puppy – she’s not. But puppies are hard work and my small foray into parenthood has taught me a lot about myself.

Mika Paprika

Firstly, that I don’t function well on lack of sleep. We discovered this when, after having been on night duty with Mika (taking her out to the bathroom several times each night) I would burst into tears over the smallest misstep from our little puppy.

Sleepy

Secondly, I really, really need to work on my patience. Many days feel like one small step forward, two giant steps backwards. But getting a new puppy is all about learning to communicate with each other. Mika so, so wants to learn. She wants to please. But it’s hard to learn when you don’t know the language. It’s Michael and my responsibility to talk to her in a way she understands – through positive reinforcement. And it doesn’t happen quickly – it’s about consistency, about sending the same message again and again until she understands. In two weeks we’ve made fantastic progress, but that progress wasn’t apparent straight away.

Sweet and cozy after a bath

Lastly, ego. I wrote on this blog that I wanted to attempt to finish my revision by the end of my leave (this next week is my last week). Discovering how much work Mika would be, how hard it was to focus when I had this darling little creature entirely dependent on me, who needed to be taken out to go bathroom every hour, I realized that maybe my goal was unrealistic. And that was really hard to swallow. What can I say, I’ve spent almost 23 years with only my own needs and goals (and my husband’s, but he’s largely self-sufficient :P ) to focus on. It was hard to let go of that.

Wanna play, Mommy?

So these two weeks have been an adjustment, but there have been a few things that have really helped. There’s the bond that Mika has developed with Michael and I. I can’t say how beautiful it is to have this little puppy be so excited to see you every morning and after every nap. More than anything she just wants to be with us. Then there’s her growing confidence. At first we couldn’t leave the house for fear that she would freak out or do something destructive. Now, with a few favorite chew toys, she hardly even notices we are gone. Michael has also graciously taken over night-duty. He doesn’t mind the broken sleep – it doesn’t effect him even half as much – and I’m starting to feel rested again.

Mika loves her Daddy

Another huge help was this blog post by Maggie Stiefvater on parenting. How it’s important to keep your own sense of identity, to keep working on your goals. How it IS possible to achieve your goals even with an adorable little timesuck*. With that inspiration I’ve been stealing moments, small and large, to write. And somehow I’m back on track. All I need to do is stick to my original 4000 words a day goal to finish this revision by the end of my leave.

Is it worth is? Yes. Yes, yes, and again, yes. I may have answered differently a week ago, but today I answer yes. When Michael, Mika and I are together life feels complete. Michael and I have always felt that we have so much love to give, and now we have something to bestow it on. Yes.

Oh, and I finally found my desk! I knew exactly what I wanted and amazingly I found it in the first store I went into. It’s actually a dining table, but that’s what I wanted – I wanted to be able to swivel across and work by hand if I needed to, without drawers in the way. I wanted a big surface that I could spread out on. And how well does it go with my banker’s lamp? Look at those sexy legs :)

My new desk!

So tell me, how do you balance your creative goals with your other responsibilities?

 

*I don’t want to imply looking after a puppy is anywhere near as hard as parenting a child. If anything, this short period with Mika has increased my respect for parents tenfold, and made me think much harder about how children might factor into my life in the future. Moms – you’re all superheroes.

Categories: Life, Puppy, Restless, Revision, Writing Life | 4 Comments

Let’s Play Pretend

I know I promised a blog post full of puppy love, but unfortunately I was really sick last weekend and wasn’t able to visit our puppy after all. Sad face. BUT we pick her up on Tuesday! For good! I can hardly believe it’s finally time!

To welcome this new member into our family, I have taken three weeks of puppy-leave. So apart from puppy cuddles, for the next three weeks I get to play the ultimate game of pretend. I get to pretend I’m a full time writer! This will be me:

 

This is very exciting for me, obviously. I have great plans to venture into the wild of my revisions. I will be a Writer- Adventurer, like this (but hopefully not so terrified):

 

I will slay my doubt-demons and find the truth of my story like Alan Wake!

 

Story, prepare to be dominated.

 

To get to the end before I go back to work I have to revise about 4000 words per day (leaving the weekends as grace days). I think this is doable. Especially as I will have full access to the coffee machine, and regular puppy breaks to clear my head. Plus, I won’t get sick this time, as I normally do when I make a writing goal, because I got that out of the way last weekend!

I’m excited :D

So tell me, how are your goals going?

 

Categories: Planning, Restless, Revision | 2 Comments

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